After years of therapy, reading self help books, attending support groups, and meditating, I figured what could it hurt to seek the advice of a medium. Maybe something would strike a chord for me, be of some use. Like any sane person, I assume that most of what psychics have to say is coo coo ka choo, or at the very least, a general statement that can apply to anyone-- "You will be challenged in life. Stay focused." Still, I was curious to see if someone who has never met me, who knows absolutely zero about my life, could tell me about my past, present and future. I figured I could test her. If she got some things right about my past, I might trust what she has to say about my future. But what if she sees things I don't want to face-- my boyfriend and I breaking up, a long distance move, more kids? What if she sees a grim future-- another divorce, bleak career, less kids. Was I willing to run the risk of walking out of the session feeling worse than I did when I walked in? Even if it IS all just a bunch of hocus pocus, I can't unhear it, once it is said. My body would, in true psycho-somatic fashion act upon what it heard in the session and all predictions would come true. I used to avoid reading my horoscope every morning because if it said it was going to be a bad day, I usually acted like it was. Ideally though, I would hear good news that might help me feel focused and grounded, kick me in the butt to do something really amazing like cure cancer. In short, I wanted someone to tell me what I was going to do anyway, so I could just do it and stop second guessing myself. Needless to say, I was cynical and anxious going into my session.
The psychic I used was recommended to me by a trusted friend. This friend couldn't say enough good things about her, which really put me at ease. However, my friend also mentioned that while her readings were amazing, she herself isn't good with time in the linear sense in which most of us operate. In other words she was a flake. I literally tried to get in contact with her for over two years. We exchanged emails, but I was never able to set an appointment. Finally in April 2012, I was able to get her to commit to a time and place. I was thrilled. Sadly, she canceled that appointment. Another was set in early May 2012. I anticipated another cancellation, but to my delight it never came. And even though she was two hours late for the reading(seriously how does she function?), it was a mind blowing experience.
I imagined my reading would take place in a dark room filled with exotic carpets, religious symbols and idols hanging from the walls, the smell of incence as thick as the psychic's fake accent. I pictured a mysterious old woman with deep set wrinkles traversing her face at absurd angles, dressed in, I'm embarassed to say, gypsy clothes, with chunky jewelry that clanked together as she made grandiose gestures while painting the picture that would/will become my future. Clearly my only reference point for this sort of experience has come from the cliche Hollywood depiction of pyschics. Thank you Miss Cleo. In reality, my psychic was a cute, young, upbeat blonde, who ushered me into a small back room of a hair studio, sans crystal ball to my disappointment. I had barely sat down when she closed her eyes and began telling me what she was seeing, speaking quickly as if the images in her mind were racing past her at a rapid rate. "You are very strong, your totem is a tiger, oh, but you get nervous easily." She said the last part in a tone that sounded almost disappointed as if it canceled out the first two things she said. She opened her eyes, and looked directly at me for a few moments, before continuing on about my self doubt. She delivered some the reading with her eyes closed, some looking off into the distance, and some looking directly into my eyes. She stopped occasionally to ask me to say the names of certain people in my life three times, while she concentrated on the names and what information they were bringing to her consciousness.
I must point out, that I told her absolutely nothing about myself, my situation, who I am and what I do. I even removed all my makeup, jewelry and wore jeans and a plain white tshirt so she couldn't gather information from my appearance alone. I told you I was a cynic. I just walked into her reading room, sat down, and listened to her talk for over an hour straight. Here are some interesting connections she made. Since I, and most people I know operate in linear time, I'll relay her observations in chronological order, starting with my past lives, that's right, my PAST lives.
I saved children from death in Germany, presumably from the Nazi's, though she did not clarify. But that would explain my affinity for all things Jewish. I was a dancer, singer, and an actress-ha big surprise. And I taught orphans to sing. Ironically, I now teach very wealthy OC kids to sing. Though I was contemplating reaching out to a shelter to teach homeless children.
She saw a lot of pain and sadness in my formative years (of this life). She saw that my mother was very belittling to me and to the whole family which caused me a lot of shame. I have carried the addictive habit of telling myself "I can't" as I've grown. I question my talents and contributions constantly, and often self sabotage my efforts to be successful because deep down I don't feel I deserve it. This shame disconnects me from myself, and until I address it, I cannot be happy or successful. This could not be more true, and while it was hard to hear, it was in no way a surprise. I have been working on these feelings for years.
She saw two spirit guides with me in the room. She said one was a man, very sweet unassuming and quiet-that would be my dad. She knew that he was sick and nauseous at the end of his life, which, sadly, he was. He died of cancer four years ago. She knew he worked on a railroad, a job he had when he was a teen. She said he used to watch me sleep and listen to me grind my teeth, an unconscious habit I had as a nervous kid. He now watches over and protects me, especially as I drive (gotta stop texting). The other guide was a woman, holding a horse. My aunt was a thoroughbred horse trainer. She passed away when she was 50 and I was only 17. The psychic knew she had a lot of energy, was assertive and very vocal. She knew she was my aunt on my mom's side and that she was very supportive of my career. Again, everything true.
She saw that I am very strong, and mentioned that my totem is a tiger. So that's pretty cool. I have more intelligence than most (her words not mine) and I'm a hard worker. Sadly I compare myself to others, and get nervous easily, both traits that hold me back. I'm sensitive to foods-very true. I'm a vegan now, but that's a whole 'nother post. She saw (certainly not from my shabby appearance) that I am very beautiful and special, but never tell myself these things. However, very soon I will be free to show my inner and outer beauty. So I have that to look forward to. She knew I had three brothers, and that I simply outgrew my relationship with my son's dad. She said we are like siblings which is how I often describe our relationship. She recognized my boundary issues. As a co dependent, I am plagued with the need to please others before myself. She continually warned me about this.
So far go good. She seemed to be passing my test. She knows things that are very specific to me. Here is what she had to say about my future. I like to hope that all of it is true. And at the risk of sounding even more egocentric, keep in mind that these are someone else's words, about a future that hasn't happened yet, at least according to those of us who don't subscribe to Einstein's theory of the space/time continuum.
She sees that I will find a lot of success in the film/tv industry. I will be in a band, compose and record music, and have my own production company. I have the ability to change my look drastically and she sees both very dramatic and comedic roles in my future. I'm bursting with talent (hey, not my words). She sees me in Italy with a very handsome actor (thank you!!) I will also move to New York for a time presumably for a show. Eventually I will move closer to LA, to a large ranch like property with a lot of animals including a horse. I will have two more kids with my boyfriend, one of them will be adopted. I will spend much of my retirement years giving back, helping children with the various non profits that I run. Awesome.
Not only did she accurately describe some very intimate details about my past, and traits about my character she could not have deciphered from my appearance alone, she pretty much nailed my dream life, and I hope it all comes true. I know it is contingent upon how much hard work and positive energy I put into my life. More importantly, it is dependent upon me feeling worthy of deserving the dream life she described, the same one I imagine for myself.
I've always approached learning about my life, existence and relationships from an artistic, spiritual and psychological point of view. However, lately I've been wondering about the role physics plays in my life, existence and relationships. I realize that nearly anyone who has had even an elementary introduction to physics can appreciate the role science plays in the universe. And to deny the role of physics in my life is like denying the role heat plays in cooking. But can science explain this reading? Is there some theory or mathematical equation that would empirically prove that yes in fact at some point in my future, I will be in Italy with a gorgeous Italian actor. Enter Einstein's theory of the space time-continuum. I'll spare you the exact definition which hurts my brain to read it. Basically, if you stop thinking of time in the Newtonian way, as an arrow, and you start thinking of time the way that Einstein thought of it --as a function of space -- the future already exists. A good comparison is this: even though a road directly in front of us appears to be flat and finite does not mean that the rest of the world does not exist and that the earth is not round. Our brain only allows us to experience time as a series of recurrent moments, but that doesn't mean that other moments have not happened, or do not exist without us seeing them.
So why am I challenging your attention span with this academically shaky interpretation of Einstein's theory? My hope is that in the same way an astronaut witnesses first hand that the earth is round, this medium has a perspective of time that is equally accurate. Maybe one day I'll be able to witness first hand the proof of both. For now, the fact that I couldn't follow simple English tense rules while describing my experience is proof enough that time doesn't play by the rules as we know them.
